The Non-Elitist Review of Superhero Movies in 2011 (Three Reviews for the price of one)

Okay then, lots of stuff to talk about and approximately one summer to do it in, My name is Eliot Wolf, and this is the Non-Elitist review of life.

First of all, Captain America was awesome. I went to see it last week, and me and the twenty people who stayed through the credits were thoroughly enjoyed. Green Lantern was not, and since I enjoy putting others down I am going to talk about that movie first.

Green Lantern was about Ryan Reynolds flying in a jet and acquiring the magic powers of CGI, and not even good CGI. As everyone and their color blind grandmother has said, the CGI was about as good as those crappy 15 minute effort Geico commercials, and with a post-production team like Warner Bros. this is incredibly sad.

Also the plot was terrible, and since I can't remember everything about it for this post, I recommend you check out Going Green, from MovieBob at escapistmagazine.com. But while you're here let me dispel the big things that this movie got wrong. Paralax is not an Oan. He is not an Oan and the very idea that he is tells me that no one payed any attention to the source material. Never once was it even hinted that he was, Paralax has always been a bug demon of pure yellow Jeeper juices. He is not an Oan, he is not beaten by Hal Jordan (in fact for a while he was Hal Jordan), and he is not the smoky thing from lost.

Otherwise the story is actually accurate, in the way that the last twenty minutes of watchmen was. While a lot of things (and in this context "a lot" really is a term stretched thin) are off, it's understandable because it's a movie made for Call of Duty nerds rather than the true fan base. The Rocky looking scientist was correct-ish, and even Sinestro turned out better than I originally anticipated.

Past that however, every character that did have anything to do with Hal's start in the Corps was completely wasted. No First Flight grandeur of his first missions with Sinestro. Not even so much as a training montage (you really think ring training takes 20 minutes?). Green Lantern is very much DC's poster sci-fi story, and yet all of the "sci-fi" cannon was replaced with Ryan Reynolds being Ryan Reynolds for the 800th time. Where are Tomar-Re, or Kilowog? Where's all the character developement of Sinestro becoming evil? Why are my lowest expectations for this movie met?


But this post isn't all about Green Lantern, he stated with pride in his chest. I am now going to step out of the cannon ridden flame war that I could have with that marvel of failure, to talk about Marvel Comics and Disney Pictures contribution to film this summer.

Thor

The most complex and risky character of the Avengers franchise came out squeaky clean in this adaptation, which brings even more shame to Green Lantern, which in my opinion should have been fairly easy with the animated film coming out only months before. Seriously guys, what the fuck?

Anyway, Thor was a treasure, sweeping me off the feet like Pixar dumping me instantly into Valhalla, and besides an ignored monologue at the beginning, simply telling me to deal with it like a certain Scottish actor I could mention. Casting was magnificent with Anthony Hopkins playing Odin, practically stepping into the role as naturally as Hannibal Lector after a few years in a gym and a binge of bad ass juices. Loki was perfect and not too giddy and not too dark. Thor was the muscle bound gun-show with a thing for plaid, which was an interesting choice in costume, I'll have to give them that. And hey, for those of you who missed it, Hawkeye's in this too!

The story is good, and seeing as I wasn't around for Thor's actual origin story and honestly don't care too much, that's good. It was able to introduce a rather hard cast of characters and events without totally boring me with exposition, of course the exposition powers are activated at moments with some of the mytho's of Asgard and Norse gods kind of just showing up for us, but we'll get to that in a little bit. The story really was beutifully crafted, and after Green Lantern (I know. This horse isn't just dead, it's decomposed sat for a million years to form oil and being used to fuel my current rage) it is a welcome little pallet cleanser, which I wish in hindsight I would have thought of before I saw it first.

Now on to the real reason for this post:
CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!
or for my north-intolerant 'Merica. (Jeremy Jahns, look him up).

Now was I skeptical when I heard that Chris Evans, or the Human Torch, was cast as the First Avenger? Yes, but then again Ryan Reynolds was cast as both Hal Jordan and Wade Wilson, and look how that turned out.

Okay, I really didn't care that much, but still this wasn't something that I was too hopeful of. I honestly thought that if anything, some poor shmuck of a writer was going to panic and channel his inner Michael Bay, and end up with Cap humping Roosevelts leg while Churchill unleashes blitzkrieg on Germany and Red Skull in delicious irony.

I was mistaken, and will now commit some good old fashion huri kuri.

Chris Evans was actually really good, and played the pure white (white as in good and pure, not good as in Sieg Heil, Hammerzeit, master race, third reich, ect.) honest American really well, and not the least bit heavy handed. I'm totally serious, and any guilt that you're feeling right not is only due to your inability to make babies.

Everyone else was awesome too, whether it's Agent Smith as Red Skull or that one guy playing the person with the stuff or that other one who I think was a girl, but something was still really cool about her too.

Yeah, did I mention I didn't pay attention to the credits?

In fact the only complaint that I had with this movie was that Bucky "died" too early and before you scream spoilers, I just want to know I quoted died for a very good reason that I won't tell you about because I like to be spoiler free. So if you want to know why I quoted died go figure it out for yourself.

But yeah, all of this leads up into the Avengers movie, which, after the clearly rushed teaser, still manages to look BADASS!!! I am incredibly excited and if anything this means that Joss Whedon will step out of his little Whedon shadow and become main stream, and start hiring his favorite actor Nathan Fillion to be in some of his movies.

And before I go guys, I want to tell you this. Please go to your local comic book store. If for nothing else you will meet some people who love this stuff, and even just to check out new comic books. I love this medium, it's full of people who really do try, and I don't want it to die just because the stores aren't making any money. Thank you.

As always readers, I just want to say, so long, and have a happy lobotomy,
-Eliot Wolf